


As Simple As A Change Of Heart

by SleeplessNightWithPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aphobia, Asexual Character, Asexual! Dan, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 18:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11190816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan
Summary: Asexual!Dan is afraid of telling Phil about his attraction (or lack thereof), because of bad experiences in the past. He just wants a chance of happiness like everybody else, without being reminded of how abnormal he is.





	As Simple As A Change Of Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I watched [Evan Edinger’s new video ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4AV80D_EUs) the other day, and it made me bawl my eyes out. Here’s a little thing I wrote in order to try and make myself, and everybody else who ever felt broken because of their sexuality, feel a little better.
> 
> Disclaimer and all that jazz: This is just one take on asexuality, it’s an entire spectrum, so I had quite a lot of room to play around with. Basically, not every asexual person feels like Dan does in this story. Which doesn’t make them any less asexual (or any less awesome).
> 
> I wrote this in a few hours, so apologies for any mistakes.

If there was one thing Dan was good at, it was getting himself into uncomfortable situations. 

Like that one time he got his head stuck between the doors of an underground carriage in the middle of rush hour, for the entire train and platform to see. 

Or the time he pressed the button on the bus way too early, resulting in him having to get off the bus and walk for 2 miles (it was either that or stay seated, with everybody knowing he was the reason the bus had to stop unnecessarily. Public transport in general was just a sore spot for Dan). 

But out of all the stupid things he had done, this one took the crown.

He was currently lying down on the couch of his newly acquired boyfriend Phil, with said boyfriend was pinning him down, kissing him deeply. 

Which wouldn’t be a problem to most people, quite the opposite, but Dan wasn’t really ‘normal’.

Dan identified as asexual. 

It’s not that Dan was uncomfortable with doing stuff like this with Phil, he loved kissing and cuddling. He also wasn’t repulsed by the concept of sex, and if other people wanted to do it, no problem. 

He himself just didn’t feel the need to, and in previous relationships, when his partner had tried to get him to have sex with them, he had felt extremely uncomfortable. 

It has always been difficult for Dan to accept this part about himself. He had lied awake so many nights, thoughts racing through his head about why he couldn’t just be normal, why he had to be this way. He had even tried to have sex with his girlfriend once, because he could see that she wasn’t exactly happy with the situation. 

(It had ended with Dan crying in a corner, and the girl shouting at Dan to “stop being selfish, you’ll never be able to have a proper relationship if you’re not going to give your partner what they want”. After that night, Dan was left without a girlfriend and without any hope of ever finding somebody who would accept him for who he was.)

He hadn’t been able to Phil yet, because he knew Phil would leave him if he told him. And quite honestly, Dan didn’t want that at all. 

They had only been going out for a month, but Dan was falling hard and fast for the beautiful nerd. He always managed to make him smile, he was always so kind and generous. He loved a lot of the same things as Dan, there was never a lull in their conversation. 

Being with Phil just felt easy and natural, and Dan wasn’t ready to give up on that quite yet. 

He should have seen it coming, he knew that normal people didn’t wait months and months to have sex for the first time. It had been a small miracle that Phil had waited this long to make a move on him. 

But here he was, being pinned onto Phil’s couch, and Phil slowly started to make his way down towards his neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses there and marking him up. 

Sure, it felt good, and this was the part that Dan still enjoyed a lot, but they were approaching uncomfortable territories. 

When Phil started tugging on the bottom of his shirt a few minutes later, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

“I… I’m sorry, I can’t. I can’t do it.” He pushed Phil onto the other side of the couch, trying to put a bit of distance between themselves in order to calm down.

“What can’t you do?” Phil looked completely and utterly confused.

“I can’t have sex with you. I’m very sorry, but I can’t give you that.” He said with a quiet voice, afraid of what was to come.

“Honey, that’s ok, if you’re not ready for that yet, we’ll just wait a bit longer.” Phil was trying to pull Dan into his arms again, probably to cuddle, but Dan had to explain it properly. He couldn’t leave it like this.

“No, no, no. That’s… that’s not what I mean. I can’t have sex with you. Not now. Not in a month. Not in a few years. Not ever. I can’t. Because… because… because…”

“Because why? You’re scaring me here, Dan.”

“I can’t have sex with you, because I’m asexual”. 

Dan felt a slight relief, now that that was in the open. However, that quickly was replaced by dread when he saw how Phil’s face melted into a frown. 

“Asexual?” He asked, still seeming a bit confused. Dan lowered his head and stared at his hands on his lap, not wanting to see the disappointment on Phil’s face any longer. 

“Yes, asexual. It means that I don’t feel any sexual attraction, at all. To nobody.”

“Yes, I know what it is, I’m just… Jesus, you really caught me off guard here, Dan.” Great, now Phil would hate him for not telling him earlier. 

‘I know that I should’ve told you, and I truly wanted to, but I couldn’t. Not with you. Not when you’re somebody who is everything I have ever asked for in a guy. I didn’t want to lie to you, or use you, and I know it was very selfish, stupid, and mean. But I just…” 

Dan sighted, feeling his voice start to shake, but willing himself not to cry. 

“I couldn’t let go of my chance to get a glimpse of what normalness and happiness feels like.” Dan looked up at Phil again to see his reaction, but he immediately wished he hadn’t.

The frown that had already been present on Phil’s face had deepened into a scowl, and he seemed to be radiating anger. Afraid that if he stayed any longer he was going to get shouted at, Dan stood up from the couch, ready to make his escape. 

“I’m really really sorry for leading you on like that, I’ll be on my way, I just… I’m sorry. I never asked for any of this, I never wanted to be broken, I just –“

“You’re not.” Phil spoke suddenly, getting up from his seat, and looking Dan dead in the eyes. 

“Wait, wha-… what?”

“I’m going to have to stop you there. You’re not broken. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.” As a way to reinforce his words, Phil took hold of Dan’s hand and wove their fingers together. The anger is his voice also seemed to have diminished, sadness taking its place.

“You… you’re not angry with me?” Dan looked at their hands being tangled together, not really knowing what was happening.

“No, of course I’m not, I just wasn’t expecting it.” Phil seemed a little bit surprised at that. “Why the hell would I be angry with you?”

“Because I lied? I was leading you on? I used you? I wasn’t going to give you what you wanted?”

“Dan. Hey, look at me.” Phil’s voice had gone soft, and he put his hand on Dan’s chin to guide his face upwards, looking him in the eyes. 

“I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with whoever or whatever made you think that you should be apologising to me for your sexuality. You are normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. Asexuality is completely valid, and it’s not something that you should feel ashamed of.” 

Dan could already feel the tears building up in his eyes as Phil continued speaking. 

“You never lied to me, you didn’t use me. You aren’t obligated in any way to have sex with me. If anything, I should be the one apologising to you for making you uncomfortable. The only thing that you’ve done wrong, is feel ashamed.”

“But… but… I-“ 

Dan was interrupted by the feeling of Phil’s lips being pressed against his again, and Phil’s hand finding its way to his face, cupping his cheek. 

Except this time, there was no rush to it. There was no pushing to get anything more anymore. It was just a gentle, sweet kiss, almost shy even, very much different to the kisses they had before Dan had confessed his sexuality to Phil.

But nonetheless, it made Dan feel on top of the world. 

Because in that kiss, Phil was telling him so much; there was nothing wrong with the way he was feeling, he wasn’t broken, he wasn’t abnormal. Phil accepted him. 

After they pulled away, Dan was about to say something, but Phil beat him to it.

“If you haven’t guessed it by now, I don’t really mind you being asexual. I’d happily give up sex if that means I get to experience every other aspect of a relationship with you. And if you’d give me a chance, I think the two of us can become very happy together. Would you like that?”

Dan’s grin was so wide that he started to worry his face might split in half. “I’d love to.”

Phil kissed him softly again, before seemingly thinking of something, pulling away and looking Dan in the eyes.

“I’m sorry, was that too much? How comfortable are you with kissing? You’re going to have to help me with this. Was that alright?”

Instead of answering, Dan pushed Phil back onto the couch, climbed into his lap, and crashed their lips together again.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback, kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and basically make me happy all day long.
> 
> I've also got a Tumblr over [here](http://sleeplessnightwithphan.tumblr.com) :)  
>  
> 
> Thank you for stopping by ^^


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